53 Things We Ladies DON'T Like
10.10.2003Lindsay Brust, Jennie Dorris, Rebecca Giantonio
Sweet Talkin'
Jennie Dorris is the founder and publisher of Knot Magazine. She plays marimba all day long, cannot buy pants in the right size, and will brew the hoppiest beer this side of Texas if you ask her nicely.
More by Jennie Dorris:
Three ladies respond to Eric's list (see "53 Things I think Ladies Like") with their own compilation of 53 major deal-breakers.
- He takes you out for dinner. The check arrives. He holds up the check, slowly reading down the list of things ordered, his eyes flicking up to you as he reads the things you ordered.
- Tapered or black jeans. Ever.
- A velcro wallet.
- Shorts paired with sandals and black socks.
- Wallet chains or Airwalk sneakers (unless he's a 12-year-old skater boy, in which case it's see-ya-later-boy -- see #43).
- Boys with long hair who toss it around. If it must be long, keep it under control in a ponytail.
- When boys do something wrong and then come up with some deep, involved answer as to why they did it. I'm not going to buy that you disappeared for a week because you care too much about me and think I deserve better.
- Guys who believe it's their duty to care of you and point out what you're doing wrong. I know smoking is bad for me, but sometimes I need that cigarette after a drink. In other words, being parental -- ever. If I slip and call him Dad, it's over.
- A guy who uses more beauty products than I do.
- Looking at an empty bag of popcorn. "Did you eat all of that?"
- Using the word "diarrhea" as a verb. "Then I diarrhea-d everywhere!" Hell, using that word at all.
- Thinking Fifty Cent is "genius."
- Telling me I should wear "a little more makeup."
- He calls, you answer the phone, he says, "Just a minute" and talks to someone else for about five minutes before saying, "Oh, you're still here.... so, how are you?"
- Actually getting mad when his favorite sports team loses.
- Wearing slogan T-shirts.
- Or...using quips from commercials as catch phrases (i.e. "Can you hear me now?" "Whazzzzup?")
- Weighing less than me. If I fear I'll crush him by sitting on his lap or lying on top of him, I'll probably look for a new lap.
- Drinking girl drinks. There's nothing weirder than going to the bar, ordering a cranberry vodka, and hearing him say, "I'll have the same."
- Driving under the speed limit. If his speedometer reads 55 on the highway, that's slow enough for me to jump out.
- When having a drink with friends, saying, "Haven't you had enough?" when it's been a really hard week and that drink was your first.
- Keeping socks on -- especially the white ones -- during hook-up sessions.
- Men who apply ChapStick in front of you, unless they are Olympic skiers.
- Bad tippers.
- And guys who are mean to servers or any employees in general.
- Checking out other girls when I'm with him (at least be discreet about it).
- Bad kissers. If I have to wipe my entire face after a make-out session or feel like a small bird was pecking my lips, I'm probably going to run before I see those lips coming at me again.
- Men with cars more accessorized than I am.
- Boys with tattoos of cartoon characters or sports mascots.
- Unibrows. It's less shameful to pluck.
- Likewise, if he has more hair on his back than on his head.
- Men who watch only action movies and/or who frequently quote them.
- He keeps pictures of his ex-girlfriends around or pictures of his mother on his nightstand...or pictures of his mom anywhere you can see from the bed. That's just creepy.
- He pops his gum. Does he really need to chew gum? In this day and age, there are plenty of alternatives for fresh breath.
- Speaking of breath fresheners, men with bad breath. If he's a smoker or hasn't had a chance to brush his teeth since this morning or has been drinking a lot or has a cold...damn, just take the precaution and buy some mints.
- Guys who refer to their mothers as "mommy."
- You're in line at a coffee shop, and you overhear Mr. Dreamboat order a caramel latte -- with soy milk. Don't be a pussy. Drink plain coffee or don't drink any at all.
- Guys who think an ideal date is meeting him and his drunken friends at a dive bar before heading back to his place for a hook-up, during which he will be unable to complete his part of the deal anyway.
- A guy who insists on splitting the cost of EVERYTHING ("Uh, so the cab was $5, and that bottle of soda you got was $1.20, so...").
- Bad teeth.
- If I tower over him when I wear heels or have to bend to kiss him, it's probably not going to last.
- Whining. It wasn't cute when he was a kid; it's certainly not cute now.
- If he's a minor... yes, even if he's REALLY hot. If he can't legally drink or I risk going to jail, I'm not interested.
- Consistently walking ahead of you, not with you. Hey, don't mind me. I'll just tag along back here.
- If he orders and/or eats less than me at a restaurant.
- Snoring. When I'm headed to the couch because your snores are that gross -- nose-meets-throat-rattle-snort -- it's over.
- He farts. Try to control that shit on the first date.
- Wearing any article of clothing that had its heyday in the 80s.
- Feathered hair, a mullet or anything that resembles a mullet.
- He runs or walks like a girl.
- He wears -- or even owns, for that matter -- a fanny pack.
- After hooking up, he doesn't take a shower -- or at least wash his hands -- before heading out in public.
- Posting a "shirtless" picture on an Internet dating site.
